Top 10 Caddy Replies
10.) Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
> Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long"?
9.) Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on this course."
> Caddy: "Try Heaven, you've already moved most of the Earth.
8.) Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving"?
> Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
7.) Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron"?
> Caddy: "Eventually."
6.) Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
> Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
5.) Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction."
> Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."
4.) Golfer: "How do you like my game"?
> Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
3.) Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday"?
> Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
2.) Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
> Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
1.) Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
> Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Knowing the rules can save you strokes...and can cost your opponent strokes.
|Unofficial Golf Rules
Never buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate swing thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead is still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green clears and then top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you’re playing, it’s always possible to play worse.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 10-foot putt… for a 10.
The shortest distance between two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, you need to go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: 1. how many hands you have, and 2. which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen. And you probably need to buy fresh ones each week.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don’t get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs, and fart, if you’re performing brain surgery!
The New Rules: Today's Tour dawdlers need a good slap upside the head
No matter how much you love golf, there are some things about watching it on TV that probably make you want to empty a full clip into your new flatscreen plasma.
Like lines on the ball for a start. Who started that crap? I suspect one of those short-game gurus who convince players to approach every shot as if it were a blindfolded tightrope walk over a pit filled with runoff from John Daly's RV.
In my thankfully rare tower moments, my nuts go numb watching players aim the line on the ball in the precise direction in which they want to start a putt. Then they step away and check it. Then readjust it. Then step away again and make sure it's right, by which time I'm drooling and delivering leg kicks to my cameraman like a dog chasing rabbits in its dreams.
Then, and only then, do they remove the ball marker, my faithful spotter bludgeons me back to consciousness, and I witness thirteen practice strokes, one last alignment check and a putt that is invariably six inches short.New Rule:
No lines on the ball, unless it's a line of coke, which would at least get the bastards moving. And, of course, Tour officials and DEA agents could then swoop down on the players on live TV. I see great chase-scene potential, hopefully from the blimp.
Moving on to a related matter: At any given time there are several relevant shots a TV producer could show you at home, so as he scans the wall of monitors in front of him, he needs an innate sense of who'll pull the trigger first.
Of course, once a decision is made and the director makes the camera cut, the chosen flaming slow-hole backs off his ball and three other shots that could have been shown instead (and will be shown later) are now in the air. This is how live golf becomes plausibly-live golf (that's actually what we call it), and announcers lose their hearing.New Rule:
A player may not address and then re-address his ball unless there is a major distraction. Major distractions are defined as follows:1.
A gust of wind in excess of 60mph2.
A sonic boom3.
Elin WoodsNew Rule:
No more tapping down imaginary spike marks after a missed putt.
Hey, Yippy, you missed an easy one because you suck. Deal with it.
From now on this will be a one-shot penalty, or in match play your opponent can deliver a free love-tap to your nads. That ought to do it.New Rule:
No more blaming the caddie after nuking a 9-iron into the skybox on 17 and sending shards of Miller Lite bottles and chunks of warm tuna salad into the hair of its occupants.
This means no more slamming the club into the bag and berating the hapless guy, who, despite smelling like a Nicaraguan dope field, begged you to hit the gap wedge.
Penalty: One shot, plus dinner tab for the caddie and his three favorite strippers.New Rule:
Read it quickly, and then weep. There are guys who have their caddie look at every putt from north, south, east and west, check the grain, slope, barometric pressure, Shotlink, write to Dr. Phil, and then crouch down behind them to make sure they're lined up correctly.
Then, just before the player makes a stroke, the caddie walks away exactly four and a half steps diagonally and freezes like he just noticed his wife standing by the bag, holding up the panties she found in his glove compartment.
Penalty: The player must tell Mrs. Looper the panties are his, and wear them for the rest of the season.
************Sept. 6th, 2008 / 2nd round of BMW Championship / Bellerieve C.C. - St. Louis
On the par-3 16th, Martin Laird's tee shot hit on the fringe and bounced onto the green. Bart Bryant's tee shot came up some 10 yards short of the green. As Laird approached the green he noticed his pitch mark on the fringe and asked Bryant if the mark was in Bryant's line, even though Bryant's shot called for a high pitch shot well over the mark. Bryant responded "yes". Laird tamped down the mark. Bryant was later charged a 2-stroke penalty for "allowing" his line to be improved. It cost him over $30,000 in prize money. Laird should also have been penalized two strokes, but the officials were kind, because he had already signed his scorecard. Had they chaged him two strokes, he would have been disqualified for signing an incorrect card.
The point is, neither player knew the rule.
Scott finds a live insect on his ball, which is lying in a bunker. He removes the insect with his fingers and then plays his shot to the green.
Is this allowed?
No. A live insect is not considered to be adhering to the ball, and is thus a loose impediment (Rule 23). Scott would be allowed to remove the insect if his ball were lying through the green (i.e., in the fairway or rough), but a player may not touch or move a loose impediment lying in a hazard when his ball is in the hazard. Scott is penalized two strokes in stroke play or loss of hole in match play.
However, since the insect is animate and capable of moving on its own, a player is allowed to take action, such as waving his hand or a club or a towel, to encourage the insect to move. If the insect moves, there is no penalty as long as the player has not touched the insect or the ground in the bunker, or moved another loose impediment in the bunker.
In a water hazard, even a flying insect is technically a loose impediment since the margin of the hazard extends vertically upward (this is not the case in a bunker). But, in equity (Rule 1-4), the player is allowed to swat away the insect.
Now What If?
Scott finds a live insect crawling on his ball, which is lying in the fairway. He removes the insect, but in the process, he touches the ball.
Is he penalized for touching his ball in play?
No. A player is penalized one stroke if he purposely touches his ball in play (Rule 18-2a). There is no penalty for touching the ball while removing an insect as long as the player tries not to touch the ball in the process.
Ted faces a difficult pitch shot over a greenside bunker. He notices that there are footprints in the bunker on his line of play. Concerned that his ball might end up in the bunker, Ted rakes the footprints before playing his pitch shot.
Is this allowed?
No. Ted is penalized two strokes in stroke play or loss of hole in match play. Rule 13-2 prohibits a player from improving his line of play by taking various actions, including creating or eliminating irregularities of surface. Line of play is defined as "the direction a player wishes his ball to take after a stroke, plus a reasonable distance on either side of the intended direction." Rule 13-2 also prohibits improving a reasonable extension of the line beyond the hole, so Ted also couldn't rake a bunker located on the other side of the hole along the same line.
The ruling would be the same even if Ted were smoothing footprints he made himself after walking through the bunker to remove a rake, measure the distance, or for any other reason. If a player worsens his line of play, he is not entitled to restore the line to its original condition.
However, if somebody else were to walk in the bunker while Ted was waiting to play, he would be allowed to have the bunker restored to its original condition.
Now What If?
Ted plays a difficult bunker shot backward out of the bunker and smooths his footprints. The smoothed area of the bunker is on the line of play of his next shot.
Is he penalized for improving his line of play?
No. Rule 13-4 allows a player, after playing his ball out of a hazard, to smooth the sand in the hazard without restriction. This right overrides any conflicting provisions in other Rules, including Rule 13-2 (Decision 13-4/37.5).
The Rules of Golf aren't all about punishment. Many times they are there to help you -- if you know them. Here are some examples.
Rough to fairway. In taking relief from an abnormal ground condition, such as casual water, the nearest point of relief is determined without regard for fairway or rough. So, if your ball is in the rough, you might be able to move it to the fairway (the one clublength from the nearest point might help you). But this is a double-edged sword -- if your ball is in the fairway, the nearest point of relief might be in the rough, or even under a bush. There is only one "nearest point"; you can't go looking for the best option.
Out from under a tree. If your ball is under a tree, but also in a situation that allows free relief, you can take relief if you are physically able to swing at the ball. If your drop puts you in a position where you are able to play at the green instead of chipping out sideways, that's fine.
Don't look for original ball. If you hit a great shot with a provisional ball, and/or you think your first ball might be in a truly awful place, you don't have to look for the original. Once you play the provisional from the area the original ball is likely to be (or nearer the hole), it becomes your ball in play, incurring a stroke-and-distance penalty. If somebody finds your original before your provisional ball becomes in play, however, you have to play the original.
Place ball after two drops. If, when you drop a ball, it rolls away twice to where a re-drop would be required, you get to place the ball on the spot where it hit the ground on the second drop. If you're proceeding under a Rule which gives you an area to drop into, and you think you will end up placing the ball after two drops, you should scout for an area of nice turf before dropping.
Play from the previous spot. If you somehow skull an easy chip shot or hit a putt into a water hazard or an unplayable position, remember that one of your options is to return to the spot of your previous stroke, under penalty of one stroke. It could leave you in a better position.
Golf history is riddled with disastrous Rules mistakes. In fact, there have been so many that we'll limit our examples to just those in the past eight years, during which there have been nine cases of players costing themselves at least an excellent chance at a tournament victory, a spot on a Ryder Cup team, or a PGA Tour card with Rules violations. Five of those players are Europeans, which may indicate their Rules knowledge is even more limited than that of the Americans.
Ian Woosnam, 2001 British Open. Woosnam realized on the second tee of the final round that he had 15 clubs in his bag, one over the limit, because he had two drivers. The two-stroke penalty turned a first-hole birdie -- that apparently put him in the lead -- into a bogey. We can't know what would have happened without the upsetting penalty, but simple arithmetic says it meant a six-way tie for third instead of a solo second, costing Woosnam $312,326 and Ryder Cup points that would have ultimately put him on the European team.
Sergio Garcia, 2001 Greg Norman Holden International. Garcia was penalized two strokes in the third round for dropping in the wrong place while taking relief from a temporary immovable obstruction (he actually took one less clublength than he should have). He ended up losing a playoff to Aaron Baddeley.
Padraig Harrington, 2000 Benson & Hedges International Open. Harrington was disqualified before the fourth round for failing to sign his first-round scorecard, an error discovered only because the host hotel asked for copies of his scorecards from the first three rounds. Harrington was leading by five strokes when he was slapped with the DQ.
Karrie Webb, 2000 Firstar Classic. Webb earned a two-stroke penalty on the eighth hole of the final round for angrily hitting the sand with her club after leaving a shot in the bunker (that's grounding a club while the ball is in the hazard). She lost by one stroke.
Jaxon Brigman, 1999 PGA Tour Q-School. Brigman signed an incorrect final-round scorecard and was stuck with a 66 instead of the 65 he really shot. The extra stroke cost him his Tour card.
Ignacio Garrido, 1998 British Masters. Garrido was slapped with four penalty strokes (the maximum penalty for exceeding the 14-club limit on more than one hole) for carrying an extra 5-iron in the second round. He finished two strokes back, tied for fourth.
Taylor Smith, 1996 Walt Disney World/ Oldsmobile Classic. Smith was disqualified during the final round for using a putter with an illegal grip. He played the final nine while appealing the decision, and his score would have put him in a playoff with Tiger Woods.
Tom Purtzer, 1996 Bay Hill Invitational. Purtzer picked up a two-stroke penalty for playing a fellow competitor's ball during the second round. He finished two strokes back, in third place.
Nick Faldo, 1994 Dunhill Asian Masters. Faldo assumed a Local Rule allowing the removal of stones in bunkers was in force. It wasn't. His violation wasn't discovered until the next day; he was DQ'd for an incorrect third-round scorecard while standing on the 12th tee of the fourth round with an apparent six-stroke lead.